How To Alienate Everyone You Know

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Today’s NaBloPoMo is about writing a “how to” post.

I thought it would be fun to do a post on how people alienate everyone, especially their family and friends. As most of you know, there are a million ways to do this.

Here are a few tips in case you want to get rid of someone who cares about you, but you see as disposable..

1. Ask them how their day is going. When they start to answer, cut them off and regale them with your agonizing hangnail story. It happened last year but it still haunts you.

2. When you see they are upset, ask what is wrong. Don’t offer tissues, even when they start to cry/blubber. Tell them to just let it go and move on. If they start to cry harder, tell them how your situation is so much worse than theirs.

3. Borrow money. When they ask for it back, cop an attitude and accuse them of starting trouble. Better yet, tell them you have no time for their “drama”.

4. When they catch you in a lie, bring up something imaginary they “lied” about. Swear on anything you’re telling the truth. Better yet, blame them for “forcing” you to lie. How dare they back you into a corner!

5. Make up a great story about them and tell all your mutual friends. It doesn’t matter if the truth is actually worse, making up stories shows you’re creative.

6. When they’re listening to music in front of you, tell them it sucks. “This is so stupid. Why would you listen to this?” Later when you’re home, post the video to one of your social media accounts. “Yeah, this is my jam!!” Make sure you tag your friend and thank them for playing the song for you.

7. Send friend requests to or follow your friend’s friends on social media. All of them. Even the ones you don’t know, request/follow away! Make sure you tell your friends not to accept any friend requests or follows from them though. You can have their friends, but they can’t have yours.

8. Ruin everything. Accidentally knock over their coffee (don’t get any ideas to do this with me – I will cut you!). When they’re walking with a ton of bags, bump into them (don’t forget to laugh when they fall!). Swap their sugar and salt. Anything you can do to irritate them just a touch, do it!

9. Get together on your terms. If you need their help or support, it’s convenient to talk to them. Ask them to breakfast or lunch. If you don’t need them, don’t answer their calls or texts. Psshhh wow what a stalker!

10. When you know they’re going through a rough patch financially or emotionally, gloat about how much better you have it then them. If their finances are on the fritz, photograph all the new things you just bought yourself and post it. Tag them. “Hey thought you would like this!” If they are having an emotional time, pander on about how happy you are. “I have everything I ever wanted. I’m so lucky!” If your friend is in an unhappy marriage, make sure you babble endlessly about how much of a gem your husband is.

I hope you didn’t see yourself in any of these 😉

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